so, the last few weeks I’ve fallen into “the ditch” mentally.
okay, that sounds rather ominous.
“the ditch” is this place in my brain where life just gets this dirty tainted feel to it, and nothing is right. I can’t do anything right, no one else can do anything right, the picture frame of life becomes crooked, and I just want to sit around and cry all the time.
and I am NOT a crier.
you can only imagine my poor mother’s shock when I came home after a long evening a few weeks ago, sat down at the table, and bawled my brains out. she probably thought someone died. I mean, seriously…I never cry. I just don’t. and while it’s been healthy for me to work through my feelings and allow myself to FEEL, at the same time, this last week I allowed myself to just be in the mindset of “my life sucks and there’s nothing I can do about it”. I allowed myself to feel trapped. I basically threw one huge, HUMONGOUS pity party.
in life, we do that WAY more than we ever should. we allow ourselves to feel completely helpless, telling ourselves that we have no control over the situation – that we can’t do anything about it. so we just mope about how we wish things could be different. when, actually, there’s a door right in front of us. we’re just sitting there with our eyes closed.
so, I basically ruined my entire week feeling sorry for myself and how terrible my life was. things simply continued to not go my way, and I was upset and confused and frustrated and just ANGRY. saturday was the climax of my not-good week; rehearsal was depressing and I was frustrated that things weren’t going the way I wanted them to in ANYTHING. I was supposed to go sing at a senior home after rehearsal, but I didn’t even want to anymore. I was done. I just wanted to go home and drink hot chocolate, watch a movie, knit, do homework, and feel sorry for myself.
and then I realized how much that goes against God’s plan. God doesn’t want us to be all about ourselves, but be completely outward focused. that means that I needed to pick my butt up off the ground, dust myself off, and give my heart to God again to carry for me. I needed to get over myself.
we do that so often! we focus so much on ourselves and fulfilling our ‘needs’, when in reality, God is all we’ll EVER need. for eternity. we don’t actually NEED anything else, we just fool ourselves into thinking that we do.
that visit at the senior home with the alzheimer’s patients was one of the best afternoons of my life. when I got out of my comfort zone and chose to invest in others, rather than dwelling on myself, God filled my need for peace and joy. I felt more alive that day than I had in weeks! God is reawakening my heart to see other people’s needs instead of my own.
I’m sure you have struggled with this, too. we all do! we get so wrapped up in ourselves that we forget God promises to take care of our every need. He even promises to listen to our desires. so, not only does He promise to fulfill our needs, but He promises to give us MORE than we need! Wow.
the moral of my story is this; let you take care of others, and let God take care of you.