On grace and desperately needing some

It’s been one of those weeks.

 

Monday started out nauseous and stressed, Tuesday went by far too fast, and Wednesday found me setting my alarm for p.m. instead of a.m. and sleeping through my first two classes. Yikes. The next time someone tells me I seem like I have it all together, I might laugh so hard I’ll snort really really loud, because that’s what kind of week it has been.

 

In the midst of this week, I have held many conversations and heard lots of things: some good, some bad, some kind, some not. And I am learning how to balance that, to love when I’m running very low, to be gracious when I haven’t received grace from others. It’s a hard trade, one that leaves you giving more than you’re receiving.

 

See, here’s the thing: we are always learning. And it’s been one of those weeks where I’m learning even more than usual, often the hard way, falling harder than I’d like. Because as much as I try to be a grownup, I’m nineteen. There’s still a little kid inside me and there’s this huge expanse of life ahead of me, far more than I’ve lived so far, and sometimes I forget about grace because I don’t think I have a right, that I ought to know better.

 

Well, Hannah dearest, practice makes perfect.

 

So here is what I ask of you today, friend: Could you lend me a little grace?

 

Because today, and every day, I am in desperate need of it. I am so very, very human. I slip up and make mistakes, sometimes huge awful mistakes, and sometimes I can’t handle another cutting word or comment about who I’m choosing to become because I may bleed this time. It might cost more than I can afford.

 

I’m going to go out on a limb here and ask you to be kind to me when I sometimes won’t deserve it. That’s a lot to ask–I know that. I’m sorry that I have to ask it. I’m so sorry that I’m going to let you down. (If you ever find a way to prevent that, let me know.)

 

However, here’s something I can promise you: I’m a quick learner. I try my hardest to never make the same mistake twice–once is plenty. When I’m at fault, I’m okay with being the first one to say sorry. I’m not perfect, but I’m aware of that. I’m not playing pretend. This is real life.

 

So, here’s to grace and second chances. Thanks in advance for your heart.

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