I learn that I am rushing the beauty

It’s been too long since the last time I wrote.

I know this because I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach, that feeling that feels like you’ve been hungry for so long that you’re not hungry anymore, so empty that you feel full.

And how, how can making time for something I love be so difficult? It’s as though every day gets away from me and is already gone by the time I wake up in the morning. It slips from my fingers before I even have a chance to grasp onto it. There’s always something going on, an event or friends or homework, and I don’t like that I feel likeΒ I don’t have enough space to breathe deeply anymore.

It’s time for some things to give way to better things.

So here I am, writing you. And my fear is that if I don’t write you enough, you’ll forget me. But I have to keep on hoping and praying that you’ll give me grace, that you’ll save a little of your time for my words even when I don’t get a chance to write for weeks on end. That you’ll remember how my scribbles look on your computer screen, days and weeks later.

I have to remind myself that if what I’m trying to capture is beauty,Β beauty cannot be rushed. And so I must make time and space for beauty to enter, in the cracks and corners of my crazy life. I must lay my traps and leave the space as bait andΒ wait. Wait for beauty to come. It always does.

I’m not perfect. And I certainly can’t expect myself to be. Imperfect people get their priorities mixed up and make Facebook more important than fertilizing their souls for words to grow. Imperfect people sleep through their alarms and miss classes and chapels and meals. Imperfect people laugh at inappropriate things at inappropriate times. Imperfect people don’t work out enough or eat healthy enough. Imperfect people don’t do enough activities, or do too many activities.

I am imperfect. I cannot create perfection.

It is a good thing that God has that taken care of.

I may write tomorrow. I may write next week. Or, I may not. Either way, you can find me in the days and weeks to come sitting in the silence, inhaling the space, breathing out peace.

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